by Olivia Ruffin, MS, NCC, LPC
Hey there, parents! Let's be real—raising teens is no joke. The road is often bumpy, and communication during these years can feel like a minefield. Your teen is navigating a whirlwind of emotions, trying to figure out their identity, while seeking more independence. It’s no wonder conversations can quickly spiral into misunderstandings. At this stage, your teen is not always sure how to express what they’re feeling, and sometimes, it feels like you’re speaking different languages. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed. But don't stress because every relationship hits bumps in the road. What matters is how we recover and grow from them.
So, let me ask you this: When was the last time you and your teen had a disagreement, and how did both of you feel afterward? Take a moment to think about it. Now, consider this: What steps have you taken to address misunderstandings with your teen, and how effective do you feel those steps have been?
Reflecting on these questions is the first step towards healing and improving your communication with your growing teen. It's all about understanding, patience, and a whole lot of love. In this article, we’ll explore what to avoid and practical ways to mend those communication gaps and build a stronger, more open relationship with your teen.
What to Avoid
- Yelling: Your teen comes home late, and you get frustrated, shouting, “Why can’t you just be responsible for once?” Raising your voice can escalate the situation and create a barrier to effective communication. When you yell, it’s not just your teen who feels hurt and misunderstood—you feel it too. Yelling can leave you feeling guilty and regretful afterward, and it doesn't solve the underlying issues.
- Sweeping Things Under the Rug: After a big argument about curfew, you both pretend it never happened and don’t bring it up again. Acting like the argument never happened can create emotional distance and lingering tension between you and your teen. Avoiding issues might bring temporary peace, but unresolved problems weigh on your mind and your teen may feel dismissed, which can also lead to your teen not respecting boundaries if they know that you won’t talk or stick to them.
- Not Acknowledging Your Wrongs: When your teen says you’re being unfair or too harsh, you brush it off with, “I’m just trying to get you to take things seriously” without really hearing them out. Not admitting your mistakes during miscommunication can really hurt the trust and respect between you and your teen. It might be tough to own up, but dodging responsibility can leave you feeling guilty and your teen feeling unimportant and undervalued. This creates emotional distance and ongoing tension.
- Buying Forgiveness Out of Guilt: After a heated argument about curfew, you feel guilty and decide to let your teen go to a party with friends, even though you know there might be alcohol there. You hope that giving in will make up for the argument and ease the tension, but it doesn’t address the real issues. It might seem like an easy out, but it often leaves you feeling empty and your teen feeling like their emotions aren’t valued.
Alright, we've talked about some of the common pitfalls in communicating with your teen—yelling, ignoring issues, not owning up to mistakes, and trying to buy forgiveness. Recognizing these habits is the first step toward learning how to change them. So, how do we move from these unhealthy patterns to healthier, more effective ways of connecting? It starts with empathy, patience, and a willingness to grow together. Let’s dive into some practical strategies that can help transform your interactions, mend those communication gaps, and build stronger, more understanding relationships with your teen.
- Stay Calm — Instead of Yelling: When your teen comes home late, instead of yelling, take a deep breath, and calmly say, “I’m glad you’re home safe. Let’s talk about why you were late.” Staying calm helps keep the conversation productive and shows your teen that you’re willing to listen.
Tip: If a conversation with your teen starts getting heated, suggest pausing and revisiting it at a specific time. This approach doesn't mean avoiding the issue; it ensures the discussion happens without escalating tensions.
- Address Issues Directly — Instead of Sweeping Things Under the Rug: After an argument about curfew, don’t ignore the issue. Sit down with your teen the next day and say, “Let’s discuss what happened last night and how we can avoid this situation in the future.” This approach ensures that both of you feel heard and understood, preventing lingering resentment.
"Sweeping problems under the rug only leads to a lumpy rug. We must confront our issues with honesty and compassion to create lasting change”-Harriet Lerner, PhD.
- Own Your Mistakes — Instead of Not Acknowledging Your Wrongs: If you realize you’ve been too harsh, acknowledge it. Try saying, “I was too hard on you earlier, and I’m sorry. Let’s find a better way to talk about this.” Admitting your mistakes builds trust and respect, showing your teen that it’s okay to own up to their errors too.
“Validating your child’s feelings doesn’t mean you agree with them, but it shows you understand and respect their emotions.” - Dr. Marsha Linehan
- Set Boundaries — Instead of Buying Forgiveness Out of Guilt: After an argument about curfew, instead of letting your teen go to a potentially risky party out of guilt, explain your concerns and set clear boundaries. Say, “I understand you’re upset, but I’m worried about your safety. Let’s find a safer way for you to spend time with your friends.” This demonstrates that their well-being is your priority and that actions have consequences.
Parenting has its challenges, but it can also be incredibly rewarding, especially when improving communication deepens your connection with your teen. Imagine staying calm instead of yelling, addressing issues head-on, owning up to mistakes, and setting clear boundaries without trying to buy forgiveness. These changes can help create a better connection with your teen and show them how to handle conflicts with empathy and understanding because you're leading the way! If you’re ready to dive into more effective communication or need help guiding your teen through their challenges, I’m here for you. Let’s work together and build and maintain stronger relationships with your teen. You’ve got this!
Olivia Ruffin, MS, LPC, is a compassionate Licensed Professional Counselor who helps high-achieving teens and women unmask perfectionism and embrace more mindful, joyful lives. She specializes in offering practical strategies to navigate anxiety and life transitions, guiding clients toward lasting change and genuine, long-term growth. Olivia is trained in DBT and EMDR, providing a comprehensive approach to processing traumatic memories and teaching effective techniques for mindfulness and emotional regulation. To connect with Olivia, please call 267-434-1030. Or email oruffinlpccounseling@gmail.com
