9 Steps to Self-Compassion - by Jodi Schwartz-Levy

It’s the month of Valentines Day and while the day has been most associated with romantic love, I’d like to shift our focus to the concept of self-love, or more accurately self-compassion.

I have found through my practice as a psychotherapist that despite the vast issues that my clients struggle with, the common denominator is the need for self-kindness. While it may seem like a small task, to cultivate a compassionate and loving inner dialogue can be a lifelong endeavor.

Here are 9 steps to cultivate greater self-compassion:

1) Develop awareness of your negative inner voice. This is the voice that is lead by guilt or martyrdom and can be a real bully.

2) Give the negative voice a name. Some examples include: judge, gremlin, or perhaps the name of the person who spoke to you with this tone (i.e., mom, dad, Edgar, etc).

3) When you hear the voice of your judge (or gremlin) commenting in your daily life, you can say, “Oh that’s my Gremlin.” Or “Hi Mom, I am not listening to you.”

4) Own YOUR voice as a kind and compassionate one, and practice making kind statements to yourself. For example, “I am not lazy, I need to rest.”

5) Watch your guilt as a powerful yet destructive motivator. When making decisions, ask yourself if you are being motivated by guilt or kindness.

6) Don’t SHOULD on yourself! Eliminate the word “should” from your vocabulary. Try to replace it with want or need or prefer.

7) Replace the word SELFISH with SELF-PRESERVING when it feels like it is not okay to take care of yourself.

8) Saying NO to others is often an important part of saying YES to yourself.  Play with saying “No” more. Try saying, “I’m sorry, but that will not work for me.”

9) Energetically feed yourself first before feeding others. Play with saying “Yes!” more to yourself. Listen to your loving inner voice and honor your heart’s desires.

If we can be kinder to ourselves, we can be kinder to each other. It will require taking risks and listening. This month, I dare you to ask yourself what you need and want – and to listen as deeply as you would if you were asking a loved one. In the process, you might just find a new beloved.

Happy Valentines Day.

Jodi Schwartz-Levy, PhD, LPC holds a doctorate in the pioneering field of somatic (body-oriented) psychology.  Her individual sessions synthesize movement, sensory exploration, energy work, mindfulness, breath work and various other integrative interventions. As well as maintaining a full time practice at The Resiliency Center, Jodi is an adjunct professor at Arcadia University.  Keep an eye out for her movement classes beginning at The Resiliency Center this spring! For more information: www.DrJodiSLevy.com, JodiLevy@mac.com, 215-370-7878.  

Love and Intimacy by Delia Nessim

Love is a wonderful feeling, but it can also be frightening and confusing.  Sometimes we can love someone and still say and do terrible things to him or her without even understanding why.  Afterward we are often filled with guilt or remorse.  Depending on the circumstances and our personal style, we may argue or distance ourselves from people we love.  According to Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of “The Dance of Intimacy,” these reactions (arguing and distancing) are two sides of the same coin.  When the anxiety of a relationship becomes too hard to manage, our instincts of fight-or-flight take over.  The challenge is to learn how to control our tendency to over react while stating our truth in an open, honest manner without blame or criticism.  Maintaining a loving relationship requires both partners to stay engaged, take healthy risks, and continually strive for greater intimacy.

       The word intimacy may initially cause many women to sigh with longing desire - and many men to run for the hills.  Intimacy is the ability to trust another person enough to express your honest feelings, beliefs and wishes without fear of recrimination.  In relationships, both men and women often hide their true feelings, albeit for different reasons. Cultural messages for men to be "strong" may interfere with their comfort and confidence in expressing their feelings, especially vulnerable emotions, and in asking for support when they are struggling. Men may isolate themselves when struggling with difficult emotions, for fear of being misunderstood or judged.  It is almost as difficult for women to be intimate as it is for men.  In many families and through cultural messages, women are taught to sacrifice their own desires in order to please others, to be passive, and to avoid “rocking the boat”.  In addition, women are more likely to prioritize family over career and to be financially dependent on their partners, increasing their sense of vulnerability.  This real or imagined insecurity may fuel a woman's reluctance to speak up and ask for what she wants or needs.  

       Although it is very difficult, intimacy is a necessary component of love.  When people don’t grow closer, by getting to know each other on a deeper level, they often grow farther apart.  Nothing in life stands still.

      How does a person create greater intimacy in a relationship?  First, we have to try to step back and observe our relationship.  It may be easy to see the other person’s behaviors that interfere with intimacy, but it’s not as easy to recognize the role we play in perpetuating the ineffective patterns.  Second, we work on reducing our reactivity to triggers. Just think, “Okay, I feel my buttons being pushed. This is my opportunity to practice staying calm and cool and see what happens next.”  People cannot hear each other when emotions are high.  Third, when the time is right, find your voice and express your concerns using "I" messages.  An example of an I message might sound something like this: “I feel nervous that something has changed in our relationship. Even though you keep telling me it’s all in my head, my anxious feeling that something is wrong isn’t going away.  I’m sensing a distance between us and I‘m not sure what to make of it.”  It’s important not to berate, judge, generalize or blame the other person.  Those kinds of comments just serve to block the lines of communication. It is also helpful to avoid making "you" statements (e.g. "You make me so angry"), as they tend to elicit defensiveness. Try to stay with  "I" statements, especially expressions of how you are feeling (sad, anxious, hurt, frustrated, loving, grateful, etc.).  

If you feel as though there is an injustice that is intolerable, define and state your intentions, wishes or “bottom line.”  Just explain what you will and will not accept and stay firm.  An example of a bottom line might be, “I won't lie for you anymore. Lying is against my values, and it makes me very uncomfortable. I do really care about you, understand you are in a difficult predicament, and hope that you will find a solution.”  You may have to repeat some version of this message over and over until it becomes clear and new patterns emerge.  The other person may resist change and try to convince you to keep doing things and accepting things the way they have been. You may also notice yourself resisting change, even when you really want it. Changing patterns is hard work!             

       It is important to realize that behavioral patterns are created over many years, often over many generations, so don’t expect to see changes overnight.  Be patient and focus your attention and energy on clarifying your own beliefs, values, and goals. According to Lerner, “Real closeness occurs most reliably not when it is pursued or demanded in a relationship, but when both individuals work consistently on their own selves.”

Remember to approach any and all changes very slowly and with caution.  Our fears do serve a purpose and that is to protect us.  Sometimes, it’s best to seek professional counseling - either individually or with your partner in couples counseling - rather than trying to tackle difficult emotional issues alone.  There are several therapists here at The Resiliency Center that can provide the support you may need. Learn more about the Counseling Services at The Resiliency Center at http://www.theresiliencycenter.com/about.html

Beginning Anew by Dean Solon

this world presents as reality,
and may be experienced as apparency,
and when it is,
all that is
can be seen as transparency.

often it is asked:
if this is the way it is,
why get out of bed in the morning?
why care about any of it?

because you care about the well-being of all the manifestings,
the embodyings and expressings,
of form, and of life.
because you care about this world and all that is in this world,
whether it is reality
and-or apparency
and-or transparency.
because of the bodhisattva vow of intention
...to be working---and playing---
   for the awakening
   of all sentient beings.

Was your Holiday Happy? By Delia Nessim

Holiday time can be fun and exciting.  For many people, it’s one of the few occasions for friends and family to gather, share a nice meal and reconnect.  Some families have a lot in common.  They have plenty of fond memories to recall and new stories to tell.  For other families, time spent together can mean anxiety, anger and a struggle to get through the day without someone losing their cool.  There is no shame in feeling this way.  Relationships are meant to be challenging.  If they were all easy, life would be pretty boring.  The good news is there are ways to improve a relationship if you really want to.  It’s not enough to want the other person to change.  The hard part is making a decision to change your own role in the relationship and sticking with those changes.  Harriet G. Lerner, Ph.D. is the author of an insightful book on this subject called “The Dance of Anger" (A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships).   This book has many examples of troubled relationships and clear, logical ways to effectively deal with them.

A good indicator that change is in order is to recognize recurring patterns that cause you to feel angry.  Anger in and of itself is not a bad thing; it serves an important purpose just like any other emotion.  Anger gets a bad rap because many people don’t know what to do with it.  It’s not a pleasant emotion so some people try to avoid anger by pushing it down.  Sometimes, they withdraw and ignore the anger until they feel depressed and frustrated and often don’t even understand why they feel the way they do.  Other times, they explode, rant and rave about everything and nothing. As a result, they are not taken seriously.  Anger management is an important skill that is not effectively taught in our society.  Children pick up cues from adults so when adults don’t know how to cope with anger, we can hardly expect children to learn how to deal with it.

Let’s look at anger from a child’s perspective.  Imagine a three year old child who was so excited because she had a quarter and she was finally at the front of the line of a giant gumball machine.  The gumball spins around a circular ramp several times before coming to a stop in the child’s hand.  She couldn’t wait to get to the machine and turn the crank.  She used all the strength she could muster and turned it twice but she needed to give it one more little turn to get the ball in motion.  Just as she was about to turn it, her mother grabbed the crank and gave it the final turn.  The girl was crushed.  She cried loudly as she threw down a lollipop that was in her other hand and it shattered to bits. The mother scolded her for causing such a scene.  The mother then looked for support from bystanders because she has to tolerate this seemingly erratic and bratty behavior.  The child was furious that her thunder was stolen with the gumball machine, she lost her lollipop, and to top it off, she is being scolded and humiliated in public.  Perhaps the mother thought the child couldn’t turn the crank any more and she was just trying to help.  The next thing she knew, her daughter was having a meltdown.  Who is at fault in this scenario?  Both people felt justified in reacting the way they did.  In many cases, anger and arguments stem from a series of events that start out innocently and soon get blown out of proportion.  It becomes a cycle which means there is no beginning or end.  People get stuck when they become too vested in determining who started it, who is right, and who should apologize, when in fact, it doesn’t really matter.  The only way to get past the conflict is for one party to step up and take responsibility for their role in the cycle. 

When young children get mad, they may yell, cry, throw things or even hit others.  Our advice to these children is to use their words.  We say, “Calm down and tell me what you want.”  This same advice applies to adults.  The best way to get past the anger is to calm down, get clear about where the anger is coming from and decide how to do things differently.  Next, it takes courage to verbally express one's true feelings.  It’s never too late to build a better relationship with friends and family.  There is nothing more rewarding than mending a damaged relationship or building close personal ties.  Nothing is better for kids then being surrounded by emotionally healthy, honest and loving adults.

The practitioners at the Resiliency Center sincerely hope that you are enjoying the holiday season with friends and family. If you need help to improve family relationships there are several practitioners that are here to support you, including me, Delia Nessim.

Fill Up This Winter with Positive Change Practicing QiGong

As the ground hardens and the air chills, we are drawn to go ‘inside.’

In Taoist traditions, winter is the season when you are called to explore what lives below the surface, to pay attention to the internal workings of your intuition.

In Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), winter is the time to focus upon the Kidneys, Yin, and the Bladder, Yang, as well as the adrenals.

This is a crucial time to nourish, warm and fuel your physical, mental and spiritual energy.  These winter practices have a cumulative effect upon your physical health, mental clarity, and innovative spirit.

Infuse yourself with positive change by practicing and dancing Qigong!

Qigong is an invaluable tool to unite and align your thoughts, heart and physical body.  One of the best ways to infuse your being is with your intention, to bring in and initiate positive change.

May this Winter Solstice and all holy days that celebrate the light in one way or another feed your soul, your heart, your being.  May our Qigong practice help us call this light, this Qi into a joyful dance around us, our world, your world.

May we see the light in one another and joyfully acknowledge it with a smile or a hug.

Winter in TCM, celebrates the Water Element.  The waters of the earth and the waters of your body are one. As we dance & practice Qigong together we are one in dynamic flow and movement.  Let us fuse with the Universe this New Year with Peace and Love and Light, bringing in positive change.  Feel yourself as you dance Qigong, grounded and home in flowing change.

Abundant Blessings to all of you with

Gratitude and Peace and Love.

Karen

Choice Illuminated: The Gift of Winter Solstice

Karen Steinbrecher would like to share  "Choice Illuminated: The Gift of Winter Solstice"
from Way of Joy Qigong. To link to the original and see the video go to:
 http://www.vickidellojoio.com/2012/12/choice-illuminated-gift-of-winter-solstice/  
 
The turning point of Winter Solstice — where the nights stretch long and daylight shrinks — is an optimal time to reflect on what you are choosing to carry forward into the next cycle and what needs to drop away. In this way, your “garbage”—that is old choices, patterns of behaviors you are sick of—can simply be “composted” into neutral energy.

One way to do this is to ask yourself, “What is going on in my life right now that I don’t want?”  Listen for the answer and jot it down in your journal or on a piece of paper.  Rather than reject or become impatient with whatever the answer might be, use it as a guiding light to ask yourself “So what do I want?” Notice what you feel in your body as you bring your focused attention to the answer.

Making the choice to break non-resourceful habits grounds you in healthy ways to express your truth, experience your own power, and bring your distinctive gifts to the world around you. This is most effective when you infuse your body with that choice. Here is a short qigong practice to keep your inner flame burning.

Peacetime (A Pre-Election Special) by Dean Solon

become, and be, comfortable in your meditation posture and position;  don't rush.
be taking a couple of slightly deeper breaths, allowing your body to relax.  feeling your shoulders easing, your face softening.  feeling a sense of letting go of the night dreams and daydreams, and be coming, just be coming, into the here and now.
have a sense of the body becoming quieter, becoming still.   have a sense of the space your body fills and the space around you, that your body does not fill.
and, without any special effort, begin to be noticing, lightly, the breath.
there is no need to be grabbing at it---the breath is going nowhere.

44 years ago, an american political figure said this in a speech:  "what we need in the united states is not division;  what we need in the united states is not hatred...but is love, and wisdom, and compassion toward one another, and a feeling of justice toward those who still suffer within our country, whether they be white or whether they be black....let's dedicate ourselves to tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world.  let us dedicate ourselves to that, and say a prayer for our country and for our people."

(robert f. kennedy, minutes after the shooting and killing of martin luther king, and two months before he  himself was shot and killed)

what is the prize?
is it fame, fortune, family?  is it happiness, is it love?
what is the prize, in the crackerjack box that is your life?
perhaps it is THIS moment
perhaps it is THIS moment
perhaps it is THIS moment
...of breath, of awareness, of awakeness, of life

perhaps it is this moment