Transitioning with Children Following Divorce

By Jeff Katowitz, LMFT

       When two people divorce it can be a difficult process both emotionally and financially in making an adjustment to a new way a living. Through a shift in life style, never ending schedule changes and negotiations if there are children, and seeking a predicable flow and consistency in routines can be very challenging.  Many parents attempt to create a new family too quickly and are motivated out of a desire to put back together or establish an image of a family from one that had been broken. Parents, however, need to engage in a process of their own healing and reflect regarding what had transpired in their previous marriage or relationship first prior to establishing new relationships. Awareness is the key here, where many parents tend to find themselves feeling lost, trapped by their own pain and may seek refuge in a new relationship to cover over quickly the negative experiences that they had in their marriage.

      But what about the children of these divorcing couples. It is not within their control to pick a new partner for their parents (although some have a great deal of influence in this process). They too may have a similar need for normalcy and predictability but their parents’ judgment and timing of their decisions may be in question. Some children may carry and harbor resentment toward one or both parents for their decision to divorce. They struggle with their own feelings of abandonment and many feel that no one has considered the impact that the divorce has had on their lives.  It is therefore critical to assess how their children are transitioning and may need to work towards developing or reestablishing trust with their children if it has been compromised. But how do parents initiate a process in which they help their children feel acknowledged and cared for?  Parents seem stuck in a quagmire - between their own sense of entitlement and desire or need to transition out of an unfulfilling relationship and the guilt over hurting their children and not knowing what the most appropriate next step should be.

    Depending on the circumstances and the ages of the children parents may want to consider engaging them in an open discussion - asking for feedback and opinions regarding what had transpired specifically relating to the divorce. Many parents are unaware of how to gauge where their children are emotionally following a divorce and make assumptions about how their children feel. Without a clear understanding directly from their children parents may experience resistance and a great deal of conflict in their relationship with their children. From experience in treating very complex family systems and those transitioning through divorce and healing post divorce I have found that those parents who show compassion and patience with their children regarding the pace of their transition receive positive results.   It is not uncommon to hear children openly articulate that they want to “see their parents happy” and this suggests that they have made a shift towards letting go of past pain and resentments – they can now see more clearly of what is in the best interest of not only themselves but also of their parents. Those children who have been permitted and encouraged to draw their own conclusions are not only able to think about what will make them happy but also able to think about their parents’ happiness. It is also a strong indicator that their needs are being met and that they have been able to transition through a difficult chapter in their lives by forgiving their parents for the decisions that they have made.

Jeff Katowitz, LMFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist providing individual, couples, family counseling. Specialties include adolescent development, separation, divorce, adoption, and blended families. For more information or to schedule an appointment, call Jeff at 215-307-0055 or email him at jpkatowitz@verizon.net.

The Whole Shebang #2 by Dean Solon

this is the way it is:  i am living in heaven and in hell, at once.
this is where i am.  in one world.  here, now---heavenhell.
this is the whole shebang.  this is the whole works.  this is the context, is the content:
there is one world.  heavenhell.
the delight and the desolation.  the beauty and the banality.  the soaring and the scarring. 
heavenhell on earth.  our eyes witnessing. our minds perceiving, our hearts understanding:  drama, attachment, falling aside, falling away,
revealing no separation,
no stipulation, no condemnation.
revealing THIS...

this is the way it is:  wild world, wild life, a core place, a center, a conviction, where
peace and love and mercy reside, abide, transmit an experience and expression of
abundance and nothingness.
you have done yoga, you have meditated.  what have you found to be real and true, there?  what have you learned? 
what are you knowing, now?

this is the way it is:  the glory and the genocide.

no matter how much we bring our western sensibilities to buddhism, we cannot escape the predicament, we cannot eradicate the possibility, of what the Buddha has presented to us:  you are not becoming IT;  you are IT.
this is the way it is:  not becoming.
                                         being.
in nearly infinite time and space, where there is not-time, where there is not-space, there is, only, here now....there is being.

the universe is not waiting, this planet earth is not waiting, for us to become something.
the accelerated path is urging, is demanding, is insisting:
now, be something, be someone.
now, be the Buddha-self.

now, be awake.  

Flash Flooding by Dean Solon

the expressing of this world is a river running through
every thing, a river overflowing its own furrowed banks,
a flash flood perpetually in the making
and the destroying.
mysteriously, in a moment, any moment
THIS moment
it disappears,
as if it never was, never could be,
as if a drought has overspread the earth.
as if a drought has overcome the heart.

mysteriously, in a moment, any moment
THIS moment
the river reappears,
and the heart again knows sorrow, suffering,
holocaust, again knows hope and loving kindness.
the heart again knows.  

Laughter Yoga by Elizabeth Venart

Laughter Yoga is an exercise and wellness routine that combines fun laughter activities with deep yoga breathing. It was developed in 1995 by Dr. Madan Kataria.  A physician fascinated by medical research demonstrating the positive health benefits of laughter, he decided to start the very first laughter club through an informal “experiment” in which he brought together a group of just five people at a local park in Mumbai, India with just one task: To laugh. They told jokes and funny stories and invited others in the park to join them. Their small group quickly grew to over fifty people! However, Dr. Kataria soon realized being funny was not the best pathway to laughter, as sense of humor is very personal, and offense is as likely to emerge as laughter when jokes are involved.  In his effort to address this challenge, he reviewed laughter research and discovered that the body cannot differentiate between fake and real laughter. We get the same profound health benefits whether we are simulating laughter or engaging in the real deal!

Laughter yoga is based on the principle that anyone can laugh at any time for no reason whatsoever, without relying on humor, jokes, or comedy. Since that first gathering in the park only 16 years ago, laughter yoga has now expanded to over 6000 laughter clubs worldwide.

In laughter yoga, we encourage laughter through simulated body exercises and interactive activities in a group. Using eye contact and childlike playfulness, this “pretend” laughter soon turns into real and contagious laughter. The health benefits from laughter include improved mood, strengthened immune system functioning, decreased stress, lowered blood pressure, and experiences of pain relief. To top it off, laughing is FUN!

For more information on laughter yoga, check out the links below, and enjoy the video of the baby laughing. This baby was born knowing how to laugh. Research has shown that, on average, children laugh approximately 200 times per day, whereas adults laugh only seven times. Laughter yoga helps us reclaim our natural tendency to laugh and helps us learn to take ourselves less seriously. Join Elizabeth Venart on Mondays at 9:30 a.m. at The Resiliency Center for a weekly laughter yoga club. Learn more and RSVP through our Meetup group. 

Laughter yoga can be practiced in groups, done alone, or learned and deepened by working individually with a Laughter Yoga Instructor.  Elizabeth Venart, a Licensed Professional Counselor, and the Founder of The Resiliency Center, gained certification as a Laughter Yoga Instructor in June. Since that time, she has been offering the laughter club and also infusing laughter yoga into her work with individuals and groups.  To learn more about Elizabeth Venart, visit her website or give her a call at 215-542-5004.

Introduction to the Steps of Laughter Yoga 

Dr. Kataria’s Laughter Yoga Website

Laughter Yoga Program on Discovery Channel

Dr. Kataria, Founder of Laughter Yoga, Laughing Silently at 5:00 am

Yang-Sheng Mind-Body Research Update article

All That You Dream by Dean Solon

what is residing and abiding in the depth and breadth and breath of you is not a heart of darkness.

residing and abiding in the depth and breadth and breath of you is a heart of compassion, a heart of wisdom.

what is residing and abiding and abounding in the depth and breadth and breath of you is not restlessness and noise.

residing and abiding in the depth and breadth and breath of you is a quiet,
is a silence,
that includes all sounds and all sights
and all that is past and is future
and all that is full and is empty
and all that you know and do not know     
and all that you dream


Thich Nhat Hanh:  "If we live mindfully, we encounter the Buddha and Jesus Christ all the time."

A Song For The New Day by Dean Solon

you are here to change the tune.

you are here to sing a different song, to chant a different mantra.  you are here to bear witness, to go forth with love, to resolve and to redeem, to make waves and to make whole.

you are here to be blessed, and to be bliss.  you are here to sit before the altar, to be altered, and to be one who alters in space and time.  you are here to be awakened, and to be an awakener.

you are here to be the loving cup.  you are here to be a bolt of lightning.  you are here to be a single finger, pointing skyward.

you are here to be what you are.  you are here to be more than who you are.


you are a stranger in a strange land.  you are a perfect fit in this world.

you are a mending of the fabric that is torn.  you are a healing of the wound that has been inflicted.

you are a leaping forward to the remembering of an ancient tale.  you are a falling backward into a seat that has been waiting for you.

you are the reaching for something new.

you are the retrieving of something misplaced.

you are here for completion.  you are here for the co-creating of a new beginning.


you are here to be what you are.  you are here to be more than who you are.

 

Get off the Merry-Go-Round of Life to Rediscover Your Children - by Jeff Katowitz

          The life of a parent can sometimes be described as like being on a merry-go-round that just never stops. Racing around in the mornings, afternoons and evenings. Where are we supposed to be and what is demanded of us? Who needs me and how and what do I need to prioritize? With the mundane tasks, responsibilities that seem to never end we tend to get caught or trapped on the merry-go-round of life and miss out on making sure that we reconnect and nurture important relationships.

      It is important for all of us who have children to consider taking a journey back to them. What this essentially means is that many of us are gradually distancing ourselves from what we covet the most, we’re just not aware that it is happening. This process occurs as we rarely get a chance to evaluate and remind ourselves of what is most meaningful. It’s time for us to pay closer attention and to work towards understanding and appreciating where our children are in their development. Begin to look more closely at how our involvement in their lives on a consistent basis can impact their mood, grades, relationships, physical health, motivation and overall behavior.

     Consider conducting a self-evaluation of how much we really know what is going on our children’s lives. Do we know who their friends are? Did we know that they got an “A” on their last spelling test? When was the last time we read to them, threw a ball, colored, went to the movies? Oh, here’s a good one – how about asking ourselves when was the last time we had a meaningful conversation with our child?

     If you answered “I don’t know” or “no” to some of these questions you may want to take notice and evaluate more closely your relationships with your children. Ask yourself the question “what role am I playing in the life of my children?” Perhaps circumstances make it difficult for you to connect with your children due to a myriad of reasons, but begin to examine if changes need to be made in order to be more accessible to them and identify their needs.

      Here are a few simple suggestions of how to increase your involvement and connection with your children. Start a process of consistent communication with each of them. It can be a simple comment or initiating a dialogue with them that shows that you care and notice them. “You look really cool in that jacket.” “I heard you did well on your quiz yesterday,” “How was your day?” You can also try to tell them how much they mean to you. “You know, you are really important to me and I hope we can begin spending more time together – what do you think?” Remember, it doesn’t require a great deal of effort to embark on that journey back into their lives. You just have to be willing to step off of the merry-go-round for a while and take notice.

Jeff Katowitz, LMFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist providing individual, couples, and family counseling. Specialities include adolescent development, separation, divorce, adoption, blended families, grief and loss, and families in transition.