by Jeff Katowitz
“A
Habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step
at a time.” – Mark Twain
This has been a tumultuous
year and half. Many of us restricted, saw our lives altered and turned upside
down, and experienced tremendous feelings of loss and bewilderment. We are
beginning to see some hope on the horizon, with people venturing out and
engaging in activities, reconnecting with others, and enjoying the simple
pleasures in life again. For many of us, however, this last year may have exacerbated
the frequency of self-destructive behaviors and undetected suffering. Unable to
identify the habitual nature of our actions and behaviors, we may continue to get
swept away by dependencies and comforts that are routine and familiar.
It is difficult
to acknowledge and identify negative behaviors that are cyclical in nature, as
they tend to serve a purpose. We are often seduced into believing that a continuation
of behaviors that serve us in the moment
won’t necessarily hurt us long-term. Our pre-pandemic unhealthy behaviors and
tendencies may have increased in frequency during the pandemic, due to stress and
limited access to constructive outlets. We may have tricked ourselves into believing
we needed these strategies for
immediate gratification – that it was our right to fall back on the old
faithful friends of numb, soothe, and
distract, because nothing else felt stimulating or rewarding. Yet, if we did,
our internal suffering continued.
As a bit of
optimism creeps back into our consciousness – and we witness others venturing
out and engaging in activities they have so dearly missed – we are reminded
that community is out there for us to join and enjoy again. One of the
blessings of the pandemic is that our emergence from suffering can pave a way to
new opportunity; we can make a deliberate attempt to orchestrate positive
change and outcomes. It may be advantageous to reflect on the past eighteen
months and ask ourselves some difficult questions: (1) What are my primary ways
of coping with stress? (2) Are my behaviors ultimately helping or hurting my
health and relationships? (3) Do I have enough support in my life? If not, what
gets in the way of connecting with others and building strong relationships?
(4) If my current life is unsatisfying, what is blocking me from making
meaningful change?
With many of us living
for extended periods in isolation over this past year, reaching out to others and
connecting has certainly been tricky. Even as we move out of the isolation of
the pandemic, we may still have a tendency to remain in comforts that are
difficult to let go, satisfying cravings and then rationalizing them. We may be
aware of behaviors, routines, and habits we would like to extinguish but feel
ill equipped to make necessary changes and establish newer, healthier habits.
The first step
to bringing about change is to strengthen present moment consciousness. Until
we begin paying attention to our feelings, body sensations, and experiences in
the present moment, it is nearly impossible to see clearly, let alone create
meaningful change. Now is the time to pause, breathe deeply, think about what
has happened, and slowly begin to ask the challenging questions about whether
certain aspects of our lives are serving us. We cannot decrease addictive-type
tendencies and behaviors (such as excessive internet use, gaming, gambling,
consumption of food, drugs and alcohol) until we acknowledge underlying pain
and any tendencies to run away from that pain. This is a good time to ask for
help and assistance. As our time in the physical presence of others increases,
it may become easier to talk to friends and family about our struggles. We can
be more courageous and vulnerable with what is ailing us – and may discover
that seeking support and input from others can make a significant impact. If we
become more open and willing to examine changes we would like to bring about in
our lives, we may feel less alone and more in community. Sometimes, we may
realize we are surrounded by others who share similar patterns of numbing,
soothing, and distracting. If that is the case, we may need to venture outside
the comfort of our familiar network of support. Perhaps attend a 12-step group
(AA, NA, Alanon), Tai Chi classes, or begin studying yoga. Or maybe consider
professional help – dedicated time each week with a therapist who will partner
with you to adopt new coping skills and create a life you find more meaningful
and rewarding.
Jeff
Katowitz, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the
state of Pennsylvania. Jeff Katowitz, LMFT, would like to invite those
interested in his practice to contact him directly at (215) 307-0055 or jeffkatowitzlmft@gmail.com.
