Couple Relationship Tune-Up

By Laura Eubanks Gambrel, Ph.D., LMFT

With February upon us, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. One day a year is not enough to focus on your relationship! As research suggests, small daily acts matter more to the health of a relationship than grand gestures at anniversaries, holidays, or birthdays. Just like we take cars for their 50,000 mile tune-up to make sure everything is working properly, it is much easier to “tune-up” your relationship, than to fix it after it is broken.  So, while love is in the air, take the time to recommit to working on your relationship every day, not just February 14^th. Here are a just few suggestions to keep your relationship going strong:

1. Appreciate the Positive – Consciously focus on the good things your partner does and acknowledge at least two of them every day. The more your partner feels appreciated for the little things he or she does – making you coffee in the morning, washing the dishes, working hard to provide for the family – the more he or she will continue to do those things.

2. Set a Weekly Date Night – Research has shown that couples who have dinner together once a week and focus on their relationship (not the kids, or bills, or work) are happier and stay together longer. Though it may be difficult, carve the time out of your schedule to spend together.  Even if you can’t go out every week, order pizza, light some candles, and enjoy reconnecting with each other - it will make a difference.  

3. Engage in New Activities Together – Remember the spark you felt when you first met your partner or spouse? Bring it back by doing something novel and exciting together – take a painting class, go snowboarding, try out that new whiskey bar, attend a lecture at an art museum, or take dancing lessons. By doing fun and interesting things together you’ll see each other in a new way, keeping your relationship fresh and fun.

4. Limit Technology – The constant distraction of cell phones, texting, e-mail, and TV can make it hard to be present for one another and connect deeply. Try setting up “no screen time” every evening or for a few hours on the weekends so that you have time to talk without distractions.  Most couples who I work with that have done this are amazed at how much closer they feel after only a week of implementing this rule.

5. Assess your Strengths and Weaknesses - You can do this by taking relationship quizzes or visiting with a professional. Knowing from an objective view where you stand can help you to make minor adjustments before they become big problems. For the month of February I’m offering a discount on the PREPARE/ENRICH relationship inventory and consultation. For $100 (usually $200) you and your partner take the relationship inventory that is tailored to your relationship type and from those results you receive a comprehensive analysis of your relationship that is based on thousands of other couples’ responses. Then we meet for an hour to review your report and discuss tools and strategies to improve your relationship. This small investment of time can lead to big changes - what more could you ask for this Valentine’s Day? Contact me if you have questions or to set up your assessment and consultation at gambreltherapy@gmail.com or 267-518-8035.

Life is like a Game of Candy Crush

By Delia Nessim

It seems like life is one long game of candy crush. Sometimes you spin your wheels and get nowhere. Other times you make a little progress and it feels good but you wonder how it’s going to help you reach your goal. It seems like it should be easy to plan your next move with some amount of certainty about the outcome but it never seems to turn out that way. It all seems so confusing. Once in a while, you bumble along just doing the obvious things and lo and behold there’s an explosive chain reaction of events that get you further along than you could ever have imagined. When that happens the only thing to do is sit back and say, “sweet.”

As time goes on, life becomes more and more challenging. There are often barriers to progress that seem almost impossible to navigate. Try as you may, there are only so many things you can do and at some point it becomes apparent you can’t win this one. As disappointing as it is, the only thing to do is start all over again. Each time, you start with a renewed confidence that you will reach your goal. Time and time again your efforts are in vain. After a while you just want to cry. That’s when it’s time to take a 21 minute and thirty-two second break whether you like it or not. As much as you want to push through your frustration, it feels like mom is giving you a time-out for your own good.  When the time is up, you feel a little calmer and better able to handle defeat.

So where exactly is all this going? Well, I don’t know where the candy crush road will lead and I don’t know where life will lead. I just keep plugging away at both. I know that by accepting myself, I can accept disappointments as well as the divine moments of success. Life is all about deciding how you want to feel and feeling it now. Sooner or later the circumstances of life will match the way you feel.

May 2014 be wonderful, tasty, delicious and SWEET.

Fill Up this Winter with Positive Change, Practicing Qigong

By Karen Steinbrecher

As the ground hardens and the air chills, we are drawn to go ‘inside.’

In Taoist traditions, winter is the season when you are called to explore what lives below the surface, to pay attention to the internal workings of your intuition.

In Traditional Chinese Medicine, winter is the time to focus upon the Kidneys, Yin, and the Bladder, Yang, as well as the adrenals.

This is a crucial time to nourish, warm and fuel your physical, mental and spiritual energy.  These winter practices have a cumulative effect upon your physical health, mental clarity, and innovative spirit.

Infuse yourself with positive change by practicing and dancing Qigong!

Qigong is an invaluable tool to unite and align your thoughts, heart and physical body.  One of the best ways to infuse your being is with your intention, to bring in and initiate positive change.

May this Winter Solstice (and all holy days that celebrate the light, in one way or another) feed your soul, your heart, your being. May our Qigong practice help us call this light, this Qi into a joyful dance around us, our world, and your world.

May we see the light in one another and joyfully acknowledge it with a smile or a hug.

Winter in TCM, celebrates the Water Element.  The waters of the earth and the waters of your body are one. As we dance & practice Qigong together we are one in dynamic flow and movement.  Let us fuse with the Universe this New Year with Peace and Love and Light, bringing in positive change.  Feel yourself as you dance Qigong, grounded and home in flowing change.

Abundant Blessings to all of you with

Gratitude and Peace and Love,

Karen

Join Karen Steinbrecher at the Resiliency Center each Thursday at 2 P.M. or at 6:15 P.M. in the open Workspace.  $10.00 per class.

Happy Hour (An Interview With A Human) by Dean Solon

how many times have you been reduced to ashes?

there have been times i have been reduced to ashes.

how many times have you risen from the ashes?

there have been times i have risen from the ashes.

why do you say "awakening is never more than a moment away"?
why do you say "enlightenment is never more than a moment away"?

because i am not sworn to silence.

what do you make of the present human predicament?

we live in an accelerated---and accelerating---age.

what is one to do?

there is no hurry.

who am i?

a pebble on the stony path.

who am i?

a shining light on the way.

who are we?

each of us a human being.
each of us playing dumb.

why am i sometimes so tired?

because it requires at least as much effort to be asleep
as it does to be awake.

why disappointment?

life isn't all it's cracked up to be.

why hope?

life is much more than it's cracked up to be.

why anxiety?

no floor no ground.

the antidote to anxiety?

no floor no ground.

huh?

the "illness" and the "cure" the same.

and God?

God surpasses all expectations.
            so, no expectations.


anything else?

to all a merry christmas
and a most happy new year.

Balancing Joy in Your Hands Creativity and Ambition by Rachel Kobin

             Whether you knit, repair cars, or make cookies for the holidays, creativity is a joyful form of self-expression. As a vital part of our resiliency, it deserves to be nourished and protected. Unfortunately, we sometimes discover there’s a bully named “Ambition” who is hogging the finger paints and breaking down our ability to express ourselves freely.

Sadly, last month I witnessed a friend, let’s call her Lori, nearly fall into Ambition’s trap.  Every year, a phenomenon called “NaNoWriMo,” or National Novel Writing Month, begins on the very first day of November. Writers all over the country start tap-tapping away on their laptops in a contest of sorts to write 50,000 words in one month. The prize? The honor of being able to say you wrote 50,000 words in a month, which is quite an accomplishment. It’s supposed to help you stop worrying about the quality of your writing as you focus on pumping out the words.

            Lori had enjoyed participating in NaNoWriMo in the past and had written several novels this way. This year she experienced the 50,000-word goal as pressure. Worse, she found no joy in the writing itself.  She even began doubting herself as a writer, asking questions like, “If I haven’t even finished my other books, what’s the point?” and negatively predicting, “I’ll never get published.”

            Lori is part of a peer-run writers’ group, so she had a wonderful group of writers who were there to help her move past this slump. We helped her see how the word-count goal was actually keeping her down.  As it turned out, she hadn’t given herself credit for the thousands of words she had already written. Once she realized the experience was more important than goal, she reclaimed her sense of self-worth and her joy in the act of writing.

            Fortunately, Lori reached out and we were able to help her. If you feel the fire for any activity you enjoy start waning, talk to someone. Yes, Ambition is what keeps us dreaming of fame and fortune, and all of us want recognition for our strengths. But, Ambition can also stifle our flow of productive energy by putting goals and achievement before the act itself. When this happens, we suffer because we stop expressing ourselves. Essentially, our love for ourselves and others diminishes.

This year and every year, let’s show Ambition the compassion it deserves, invite it to our holiday parties, and gently remind it that we’re here to have fun. Once Ambition feels validated and included, chances are it will fully support all of our efforts in self-expression and fuel our creativity for years to come.

Sleepwalking, Sleepwaking by Dean Solon

lou reed:  "i could sleep for a thousand years.""

in the late afternoon, shortly before sunset, i fall asleep on the sitting room sofa, about as deeply asleep as i can be.  perhaps a near-death experience, a deep and utter silence of something resembling nothing.
i may have slept for a thousand years.
who am i, now?

sitting...am i a sleepwalker?
                 yes, sometimes i am a sleepwalker.
asleep, how lightly we sleep.
awake, how deeply we sleep.

sitting...with foresight
                AND memory
                (with premonition and remembrance).
you recognized me,
and now you have forgotten who i am.
asleep, how lightly you sleep.
awake, how deeply you sleep.

of course, each of us a master
as much as a student.
sleepwalking, sleepwaking.
it is time to be here, now.

sitting...
am resting on the shoreline,
feet curling on the sand,
a space between thoughts deconstructing,
the stories i have wrestled with decomposing,
inclinations to drama dissipating
under the big sky,
the rarified air i am breathing
the air always i am breathing.
all the commotion and all the confusion
a divine comedy
tearing our hearts out...
this life
one ceaseless wake up call,
an air raid siren shattering the ears,
a breath and a breath
and another breath
shattering the heart.
you are the ten thousand shattered fragments,
you are the prophet walking in this world.

the world does not conform to our wishes.
we are the clay.

matt haig:  "if you came to earth looking for logical sense, you were missing the point."

Awake in the circle

by Elizabeth Venart, Resiliency Center Director

Awake

in this circle of souls unfolding,

I gaze skyward to stars and spirits,

honoring the travelers before me

and those yet to join us

on the journey.

Moving

in embrace of the Beloved,

humming,

like bees

making honey,

becoming the honey.

We are Sweetness itself,

Pouring Love

from every pore.

From this place of Love,

I remember.

A frozen moment,

Sitting.

Silence bringing pain, not ease.

Sisyphus and the boulder, struggling.

Cave of question and regret.

Then,

In that moment,

I knew not love.

I had forgotten.

I sunk, a thud to the ground,

Alone.

Then.

How far from that moment,

Now.

Looking out upon the community of Love unfolding

Before me.

Knowing  –

Resonance in every cell –

This IS my tribe.

I have found my Home.

Yes, there is a me,

with gifts to share, stories I tell –

But I am so much more than a me.

I am so much more when we are a We.

Peace

Healing

Joy

Gifts ripe for picking,

like an orchard of juicy peaches,

Whenever I open my heart

to Love.

When my eyes open

to this moment,

I See the One beside me, within me,

That is me.

When I close my mind and allow

my Inner Vision

to guide me,

I surrender judgment and worry,

laying down old stories

and embracing the new moment,

the ever-unfolding moment

of Now.

Now.

Now there is

Love.

Now there is

Gratitude.

Now I can Emerge

and merge

with All That Is.

Present with What is

and the Beauty

of All

Unfolding.