Reflections from the Community of Practitioners at The Resiliency Center:
George – I'm inspired by my clients...their strength, resilience, and
hearts and tapping in to things that personally inspire me helps me to show up
in my work and my life with wonder and curiosity and keeps me motivated when
things feel hard.
Elizabeth Campbell – What I find inspiring is being on the journey with a
client when they move through a challenge that has been a struggle for them in
the past. I also find the joy that children bring to every moment very
Rachel Kobin – The only addition to the bumper of my car is a magnet
with the word “inspire.” The word itself comes from the latininspirare, which translates as
“to breathe into.” As a leader of creative writing workshops, and as an editor,
“ I breathe into the embers of writers’ imaginations to unleash the fire that
already existed inside them. Inspiring others is my purpose.
– Inspiration is the fuel that keeps me resilient in my work and life. I am
inspired and awed by the resiliency of people to overcome hardship, heal, and
find new meaning and joy following extremely painful experiences in life. I
feel incredibly fortunate to have the privilege of doing the work I do. My work
inspires me as I witness courage, truth, triumph over adversity, transformation
of pain into freedom, peace, meaning, and joy.
Heather Hill - When I witness kindness and compassion between clients
in group, clients who are overcoming adversity and demonstrating courageous
vulnerability, I am inspired to continue working in this field. I often
get inspired by my individual clients, with histories of childhood trauma and
neglect, who demonstrate incredible resiliency and are committed to raise their
children with love, devotion, and the fierce belief that they can do better
than their parents did. Their courage in working through their traumas and
untangling the impact of the past on the present inspires me to work hard and
believe that goodness can prevail.
Tracie Nichols - Inspiration is a primary motivator for me in both life
Reflection from the Community of Practitioners at The Resiliency Center:
Elizabeth Campbell – Hiking and yoga refill my bucket when I need
inspiration. I often find the answers I'm looking for when I give myself
space in those ways. I also love working with kids, seeing their joy and
hard work in play therapy inspires me daily.
Tracie Nichols - Nearly anywhere outdoors refills my inspiration
well. I also love lingering in small art museums. They're digestible.
Accessible. And the art feeds my visually inspired soul.
George – For little
burst of brain inspiration (and breaks), I love Etsy. It fascinates me
all the creative ways people use different mediums, materials, and color.
For ongoing inspiration, I love to play with new movement tools, toys, and
classes. And when I need inspiration at the end of a long day, I like to listen
to NPR's podcasts: On Being and Fresh Air.
Venart – Looking out at the ocean and listening to the waves, especially a
night under the full moon, the light glistening off the water as the waves roll
in. Watching a sunset slowly reveal itself and change, marveling at the colors
as they open and unfold in all directions. A walk in the woods. Attending a
live music event, especially jazz and blues with soulful singers and
spontaneous improvisation of sound – seeing people completely immersed in the
feeling of the music and breathing life into it.
Heather Hill – I find great inspiration when running. I do my
best thinking then. Running, a beautiful place in nature or a piece of
beautiful music can all clear my mind and elevate my mood to a higher
plane. If I was given the task to find inspiration tomorrow, I would
probably head to the Wissahickon or Peace Valley. I think in nature we
can make contact with our deepest selves and our highest wisdom.
Dean Solon – I am inspired waking up each morning with the great
good fortune of being embodied in human form and of being capable of expressing
in this world of activity and phenomena. I am inspired by the big sky
above and by the ground beneath my feet and by all the beauty that exists
between. I am inspired by the resilience of human beings. I am inspired by the
multitude of people who are seeking meaning and connection in their lives.
Brittiney George -
Kids, art, nature,
and human beings. There are amazing people in this world!
Elizabeth Venart – Sunsets and sunrises. A long walk in the woods
on a cool crisp autumn day with its tapestry of red, gold, orange, green, and
yellow leaves. Spiritual and nature-based poetry by authors like Rumi, Hafiz,
Rilke, Mary Oliver, and John O’Donohue. Music – solo and orchestral, lyric
story-telling, enchanting melodies, violins, drums, jazz, and world music. Fred
Rogers, Carl Rogers, random acts of kindness, spontaneous laughter, stories of
people reaching for their dreams and attaining them.
Danin - I’m most
inspired by new experiences, images, and sensations. I find traveling
(near or far) to be one of the most guaranteed ways of finding inspiration, through
the novel visual and sensory stimulation it offers. Reading and films also
inspire by triggering my imagination. I constantly seek inspiration by
visiting museums, historical sites, novel restaurants and neighborhoods. What
is most inspiring, however, are exchanges with others: sharing ideas,
information, experiences and feelings and feeling connected.
Tracie Nichols – I’m inspired by nature in all ways, but especially by
examples of resilience. Trees grown huge despite only being anchored to cliff
sides or stream banks by gnarled roots. Seedlings popping up through charred
understory after a fire. A young broadwing hawk fending off a trio of crows.
I'm also inspired by poetry. Both reading it and writing it.
Rachel Kobin – Beauty in all its forms: a striking landscape; the
angles of a sculpture casting intriguing shadows; music that compels me to stop
what I’m doing and feel; writing that expresses the bewildering range of human
expression, but above all, witnessing acts of compassion.
Kristin Fulmer – I am inspired by the amazing capacity of the
body, mind, and spirit to self-heal. And if given the opportunity, the body can
rebalance itself for complete health, harmony, and happiness. My job is
to support others towards their own unique self-correction. As William
Wordsworth stated, “To begin, begin”, so just begin your journey towards
wellness as the body, mind, and spirit will fill in the rest.
Jeff Katowitz – Walks with my dog in the park every morning – starts
my day off on the right foot (no pun intended), clears my mind, helps me to
focus and provides me with clarity and energy to start the day. Listening to
music - particularly artists whose voice and song writing touches me in a way
where I feel alive internally and literally provides a spiritual awakening
where I feel physically and emotionally moved. Working and building with wood –
helps me to feel alive and creative. I can get lost in the moment and will end
up creating for hours without realizing any time has passed. I know that in my future, I will have a
wood shop and make furniture for my family and maybe even small row boats!
Kim Vargas – I feel inspired by spending time outside. It’s where I
do my best thinking and feel most peaceful. Ideas seem to formulate on their
own, without my conscious thought, and solutions present themselves to
previously unsolvable problems. The outdoors and nature trigger inspiration in
ways I don’t find anywhere else in my life.
Karen Steinbrecher – Practicing kindness inspires me. When participants in
my Qigong classes give me feedback about enjoying the positive feelings when
flowing in Qigong movements, as well as an improvement in their
wellbeing. My aches and pains, worries, seem to dissipate when we practice
together or when alone. We heal one another; we are all connected. I
love to look out into my garden, appreciate it in all seasons, watching the
birds, just enjoying nature. Reading poetry or fiction while I drink my
Chai Tea Latte.
Elizabeth Campbell – Nature, stories about people helping others, stories
of healing and strength, and play/fun inspire me.
Michael Bridges - Two areas I continually return to for
inspiration & renewal are nature & poetry. I walk, hike or saunter
around Wissahickon Park more days than not each week.
What prevents us
from tuning into the muse of inspiration more? Are we perhaps lulled into
complacency by our routines and the constant push to get things done and get
from here to there and take care of this and that? Are we too distracted by internal chatter – our shoulds and
those we pick up from others – and the noise of social media and media in
general? Inspiration can often strike in a moment, so it isn’t necessarily that
we need more time but instead a certain
quality of time. We may need to carve
out space internally, to invite moments of reflection and the courage to ask
the hard questions. Here are some ideas to invite inspiration:
1.Pay attention to
what intrigues you. What kinds of books, movies, biographies, television shows do
you find most fascinating? Why? Is this perhaps a rope extended to you from the
universe, beckoning you forward? A friend in her sixties recently signed up for
a local improv class. She had never done anything like it but felt intrigued by
the class when she saw an ad for it. She signed up before her reason or fear
could talk her out of it, and now, four weeks in, she loves it!
2.Pay attention to
what excites you– especially your most outlandish dreams. If you won
the Powerball tomorrow, what would be the first thing you would change about
your life? The second? What new adventures or activities might you pursue? Where
would you live? Where would you travel? What is stopping you from pursuing that dream now?
Look for signs to pull you forward into a new reality. What steps
can you take now?
3.Cultivate a sense
of whimsy and play. When was the last time you did something truly silly – for no
reason at all? Think Monty Python’s Ministry of Silly Walks, cartoon voices,
and fun-loving practical jokes. Seriousness can be heavy, and inspiration
requires a certain mental spaciousness that play and laughter can create. Read More [Insert link to: https://resiliency.blogspot.com/2018/10/ideas-for-inviting-inspiration.html]
4.Be a beginner
again. It’s easy to stay comfortable in all we know, but our life may
be inviting us to step outside our comfort zone and try something new. Have you
always wanted to play guitar? Learn to tango? Speak Italian? Experiencing what
it is to be a beginner again may open the gates for inspiration to enter.
5.Dare to dive into
mystery. Watch a foreign film without
the subtitles. Take a road
trip to a town an hour away where you’ve never been, just to explore. Open a
book at random to see what sentences leap off the page for you.
new ways to expand your social circle. Other people’s perspectives widen our own.
Familiar faces often mean familiar conversations. New people can bring new
ideas and new insights. Consider volunteering, joining a group of people with
shared interests on Meetup.com, or joining a team at a local sport and social
“inspiration routine”.Kristi Hedges in
Harvard Business Review suggests people pick a new activity and then create
a structure to build it into their weekly, monthly, or yearly routine. Make
your inspiration-seeking activities a part of your non-negotiable schedule:
yearly writing retreats, a new museum every quarter, a different professional event
every month, reading graphic novels every Thursday morning. Whatever calls to
you – create a devoted space for it in your life. William Faulkner has been
credited with saying, “I only write when inspiration strikes. Fortunately, it
strikes every morning at nine.” Showing up and honoring our commitment to our
inspiration routine opens the door for inspiration to enter.
8.Be curious. Elizabeth Gilbert
believes that curiosity is the secret to creative living. She invites: “Do
whatever brings you to life. . . Follow your own fascinations, obsessions, and
compulsions. Trust them. Create whatever causes a revolution in your heart.”
Following our curiosity can surprise and delight us.
Venart is the Founder of The Resiliency Center. She is a Licensed Professional
Counselor, Certified EMDR Therapist, and EMDRIA-Approved Consultant who
specializes in providing counseling and mentorship to other therapists and
working to empower Highly Sensitive Persons to heal the wounds of the past so
that they can embrace their gifts more fully and experience greater joy. Learn
more at www.elizabethvenart.com.
What is inspiration? Is the experience
universal – or personal? How important is inspiration in achieving our goals?
In experiencing happiness or satisfaction in our lives? Is it possible to seek
out inspiration – or must we wait patiently for it to simply “happen”? I’ve
been thinking about these questions over the past few months, and, in my
curiosity, I asked colleagues and friends for input, re-read favorite authors,
and searchedonline for recent
writings on the topic. I will share with you some of what I discovered and
invite you to consider your own answers to these questions . . . and maybe
discover some new questions of your own.
First, what do we
mean by “inspiration”?
Inspiration can bring profound shifts to how we perceive
ourselves, the world around us, and our sense of what is possible – and is felt
physically, emotionally, and spiritually. In her book Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert describes universal physical and
emotional signals of inspiration as “the chills up the arms, the hair standing
up on the back of the neck, the nervous stomach, the buzzy thoughts, that
feeling of falling into love or obsession.” New York Times columnist David
Brooks describes inspiration as moments when “time disappears or alters
its pace.” When
I’m inspired, I feel emotionally open, happier, and grateful, more connected to
something larger than myself, more motivated to take action, to make a
difference. I also experience a feeling of spaciousness in my body: my breath
deepens, the tension in my body fades, I relax, my eyes brighten, a smile
crosses my face. Inspiration clears the fog and debris from my thinking and the
“stuckness” from my body.The
experience is deeply personal. As Lynn Doer, a writer, traveler, and volunteer
at several local nonprofits, said, “Defining inspiration is as
elusive as holding water in your hand, it happens for an instant; you know what
it feels like but it is hard to show to someone else.”
What is the
relationship between inspiration and motivation?
Inspiration seems to be the intersection of awe, emotional
resonance, and a strengthened internal motivation to create or act.
Inspiration provokes an uplifting surge in energy and enhances our sense of
capability in taking meaningful action. Doerr described inspiration as “the divine universe
whispering to you to take action.” When the energy of inspiration fills her, she feels as if she will burst if she
doesn’t heed the invitation to act.
The experience of
being inspired is described in similar ways by people all over the world. However,
what inspires each individual – and
how they answer the call once inspired – is absolutely unique.What inspires you? A walk in the woods?
The story of perseverance and triumph in the face of adversity? Watching a documentary
in which someone ventured outside the expected to a new discovery, a new
understanding or scientific advancement no one dreamed possible? There are
unlimited invitations to awaken our eyes, hearts, and minds to the vast repository
of ideas and insights yet to be imagined. What calls to you? Eudora Welty wrote: “The events in our lives happen in a sequence in time,
but in their significance to ourselves, they find their own order. . [in a]
continuous thread of revelation.” We are all in the process of discovering . .
. ourselves, the world around us, and our own meaning and significance.
Is it possible
that depression is the absence of inspiration? And, if so, can inspiration be
sought as a balm when we struggle?
Can we use our
past experiences as a kind of personal compass, helping to guide us at times
when our mood or outlook feels bleak or blah? Reflecting back on moments when we did feel inspired, can we recreate
the conditions that paved the way for inspiration to appear? I don’t know.
Maybe. The possibility of that maybe
being a yesis enough for me.I’ll take the leap. I hope you’ll join
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.
It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
I want to know if you can
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can
even when it is not pretty
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know
if you can be alone
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.
“I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers
flow in the right direction, will the earth turn
as it was taught, and if not how shall
I correct it?
Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven,
can I do better?
Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows
can do it and I am, well,
Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it,
am I going to get rheumatism,
Finally I saw that worrying had come to nothing.
And gave it up. And took my old body
and went out into the morning,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight.
The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.
Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.
The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.
You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken in the race of days.
At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.
You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.
Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.
Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.
Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.
Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.
Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.
Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.
is a tool to transform emotional energy, anxiety, and stress into positive
energy. Life today demands a seemingly endless amount of energy and all
too often we are left feeling drained and exhausted, stressed, perhaps
anxious. Qigong is a way to help. Everyone needs more energy, but
some of us have forgotten how to access it. These slow, flowing and
meditative, healing movements help us to let go, unlock, move
on from stressful, anxiety-producing emotions. Qi is vitality, and
Gong means practice. Thus, this practice helps us to empower ourselves and
place more inspirational and positive energy into our mind, body, our emotions.
You can learn more about this five thousand year old practice in Karen Steinbrecher's
Tuesday and Thursday classes.
this You Tube demonstration with Lee Holden called “An evening practice”.It can be practiced at any time to help us release emotions we do
not want in our life:
therapy practice and through personal observation, I’ve noticed that anxiety
seems to be on the rise.Anxiety can
be a normal response to stress. It’s a feeling of
nervousness or unease, about an imminent event or a situation with an uncertain
outcome. It’s the alarm system in our brains that tells us danger is
approaching and prepares us to fight, flee, or freeze. However, anxiety
can turn on us when our alarm system is sensitive or faulty, setting off
emergency sirens all the time. When our alarm system isn’t working
properly, excess anxiety creeps in and interferes with our ability to be
present, enjoy ourselves, and take risks to achieve meaningful goals.Our lives become smaller and smaller
and we feel worse about ourselves. Anxiety can be persistent, like a
weed; and if it’s not tended to, it can choke out the healthy life around it.
Fortunately, anxiety can be kept in check if you learn, and more
importantly practice, the art of letting go.
Many people feel less anxiety after spending time in nature.
Outside in a natural setting, our senses can be more engaged and we are
less distracted by our minds. In addition, we are most likely exercising
when outside.A Stanford study
found that walking for 90 minutes in nature vs walking in an urban setting had
an effect on the prefrontal cortex in the brain that is responsible for
rumination. Read more about the study here: https://news.stanford.edu/2015/06/30/hiking-mental-health-063015/
You don’t have to be close to a forest or a beach to reap the
healing properties of nature. A picture or a view of nature has been
shown to relieve stress and anxiety. “Nature, whether you’re in the woods far away from it all, in
a city park, or simply walking down a tree-lined street, has the power to make
people feel new again. Studies have shown that a simple walk in nature can
reduce anxiety, keep your spirits high, and even improve memory. Even just
looking at photographs of greenery for less than a minute can give you a mood
boost. Spending time in nature reduces stress and helps people feel energetic
and more alive, according to scientists at the University of Rochester (Brown and Ryan, 2003). A recent study used mobile EEG devices
to monitor participants’ emotions during a walk in nature. Researchers also
found that people were more likely to experience meditative-like brain waves
and exhibit less frustration if they were walking in a green space, compared to
a bustling shopping street or a busy business area (Aspinall et al., 2013).”Read more at https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6085576/
Restorative Nature Walk held here at The Resiliency Center every Monday, you
can practice many of the suggestions listed here to identify, accept, and let
go of your anxiety.During the
walk, we don’t try to achieve a certain amount of steps; but walk mindfully and
slowly, stopping when a butterfly or bird delights us.We strive to be present to ourselves,
each other and the natural world and by the end of the hour, we all feel
slightly less anxious.
to the Body
to Deepak Chopra (Read More at http://www.oprah.com/spirit/deepak-chopra-breaking-the-cycle-of-anxiety),anxiety gets stuck when
it stays in the mind. If we recognize the energy we are devoting to
thinking and overthinking, and tune in to the way our bodies are feeling, we
can return to a natural state of calm.Chopra advises that if we break down anxiety into each bodily sensation,
we address one sensation at a time and gradually calm the entire body.For example, if anxiety makes your
breathing shallow, concentrate on taking slow deep breaths. In addition
to this practice, exercising, gentle stretching or yoga will help regulate our
nervous system and help restore balance. Elsewhere in this newsletter, Karen
Steinbrecher offers a Qigong practice for connecting with the body to release
may feel like we have to shoulder the burden of our fears alone because we
don’t want to appear “weak”.Or,
as a defense against uncertainty, we paradoxically try to control more, not let
less. Acting counter to that instinct, by admitting your human
limitations and practicing humility could yield greater connection to self and
others.Sometimes telling one
other supportive and trusted person how we feel can be the most powerful step
in reducing the negative impact of our fears.
anxiety threatens to overwhelm your capacity to cope, it is a great time to
begin a meditation practice. One unique way to start meditating that
incorporates nature is to find a “Sit Spot”, or a place you are drawn to in
nature that you visit regularly for your meditation practice.Find more information about it in this
off the Phone
media and technology magnify worry by making us feel like we are missing out on
news, social events or the latest trends. We blur the boundaries of work
and home life when we have access to emails right in our pockets.We have a minute to check social media
and we find ourselves suddenly feeling angry about something not “liked” or a
tweet. Try an experiment and turn off the social media for one
tunnel vision of anxiety, we are probably not aware of gratitude.At any time, no matter what is going
on, one can always find something to be grateful for, especially by looking
around in the natural world. Start a Gratitude Journal, to capture
moments or observations in your day that you’re thankful for. Sometimes, this
practice helps us develop the mental flexibility to change channels or expand
awareness and therefore dilute the anxious thoughts.
Heather Hill, MSS, LCSW has been
a psychotherapist for over 10 years. She specializes in helping teenage
girls and women who struggle with anxiety and depression. Heather is passionate
about using nature and ecotherapuetic approaches to overcome mental health
challenges . She can be reached at Heatherhilltherapy@gmail.comor 215-485-7205.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall, That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it, And spills the upper boulders in the sun; And makes gaps even two can pass abreast. The work of hunters is another thing: I have come after them and made repair Where they have left not one stone on a stone, But they would have the rabbit out of hiding, To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean, No one has seen them made or heard them made, But at spring mending-time we find them there. I let my neighbour know beyond the hill; And on a day we meet to walk the line And set the wall between us once again. We keep the wall between us as we go. To each the boulders that have fallen to each. And some are loaves and some so nearly balls We have to use a spell to make them balance: "Stay where you are until our backs are turned!" We wear our fingers rough with handling them. Oh, just another kind of out-door game, One on a side. It comes to little more: There where it is we do not need the wall: He is all pine and I am apple orchard. My apple trees will never get across And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him. He only says, "Good fences make good neighbours." Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder If I could put a notion in his head: "Why do they make good neighbours? Isn't it Where there are cows? But here there are no cows. Before I built a wall I'd ask to know What I was walling in or walling out, And to whom I was like to give offence. Something there is that doesn't love a wall, That wants it down." I could say "Elves" to him, But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather He said it for himself. I see him there Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed. He moves in darkness as it seems to me, Not of woods only and the shade of trees. He will not go behind his father's saying, And he likes having thought of it so well He says again, "Good fences make good neighbours.”
Just as setting up healthy interpersonal boundaries is an important part of taking care of yourself, so is having clarity around how you want to share your creative output. Writing is my area of expertise, so I’ll focus there, but the issues I’ll briefly discuss are equally applicable to the visual arts.
First, let’s illustrate the distinction between making art and performance: making art can be purely personal, such as journaling, while as with a performative art, an audience is invited to hear the work read aloud or it is read on the page. Understandably, sharing new work makes writers (and artists) feel vulnerable—they’ve just poured a part of themselves onto a piece of paper. This is why, if a writer chooses to invite someone to read their work, they need to be clear about what kind of feedback they need and want to receive.
In the Tuesday-night workshops I lead, participants learn how to respond to newborn writing without making any negative comments. This is because the writing is done during workshop time, and no one has had a chance to edit their work. Even when writers bring in pages they’ve polished outside of workshop for us to “critique,” we begin by talking about everything we liked about the work, and we point to specific sentences, sections, or events in the piece that we enjoyed. Then, we move into answering questions like “What did we find confusing?” or “Which parts stood out as not as strong as the sections we liked so much?” The members of the workshop are asked again, to be specific, to point out actual examples in the text rather than make sweeping statements like, “I just don’t like romance stories,” because a comment like that will not help the writer of a romance to make their story even better. Most importantly, the discussion concludes by returning to what we liked about the work, again, which allows the writer to go home feeling good about continuing to work on their draft.
Similarly, it’s important to refrain from judging the content. For instance, the writer may hold an entirely different opinion than the reader does about a very controversial topic. The job of the reader providing feedback isn’t to argue with the writer’s perspective, but to help the writer make the most cogent possible argument supporting their point of view.
After eight years of leading workshops, I can testify to the number of times we’ve all laughed about how hard it is to show our work to friends, family, and romantic partners. The truth is that non-writers aren’t as interested, or they may feel they don’t “have what it takes,” to respond, which is why finding a group of other writers is so valuable. However, reassuring the reader that you value their gut reactions may help, and it also helps to give them specific guidelines such as those I outlined above. Timing is important; no one likes being ambushed. If you present your writing, give the other person the time and space they need to read your work and get back to you, but be clear about how and when you’d like to receive the feedback.
Most of all, create as if no one will ever see what you’re making. Decide later how, when and with whom you’d like to share, but if anything or anyone begins to shut you down in any way, step away and find the support you need.
Rachel Kobin is the director of the Philadelphia Writers Workshop. Rachel uses the Amherst Writers & Artists™ method to create a supportive, collaborative setting for writers of all backgrounds. The workshop allows beginners to explore their unique voice, and provides experienced writers a forum where they can further develop their craft. For more information www.phillywriters.com or email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Boundaries are a natural part of life and relationships. There are physical boundaries like our skin and personal space, boundaries on our time, financial boundaries, interpersonal boundaries. Dr. Brené Brown simply defines boundaries as what’s ok and what’s not ok ~ “Yes” and “No.” Being aware of and becoming skillful at communicating clearly our boundaries is well worth the effort and can save us from much stress and bewilderment in our relationships.
Unfortunately, most of us are not taught to be thoughtful and communicative about our boundaries, nor aware and respectful of others’ boundaries. Boundaries seem to be largely taken for granted, and this is fine when things are going smoothly. There is an underlying assumption that we should know other people’s boundaries and they should know ours (mind-reading, anyone?). However, when an unspoken boundary has been breached, there is usually an emotional flare that alerts us to the need to speak up and assert a boundary. This can be difficult if we are not trained to think of boundaries in this way ~ as something that we need to maintain and make others aware of. Instead, we often get upset that others don’t know our boundaries and don’t observe them. As Dr. Brown says, we believe that “people are sucking on purpose just to piss us off.” There is another way. What if we assume that people have a low awareness of boundaries in general - and that, therefore, it is up to us to firmly let others know what’s okay and what’s not okay? And what if we also assume that we may not know their boundaries either - not until they tell us. Whew ~ can you feel the generosity of spirit in that? That people, us included, are generally doing the best they can, and a lack of clarity about boundaries (not bad intentions) may be at the root of much misunderstanding.
The ability to know and state our boundaries clearly is an essential part of taking care of ourselves and lowering our stress levels. Instead of getting all muddled in the emotional fallout and confusion interpersonally, we can assert and observe our stated boundary. It clarifies things, takes away the complicated guessing and shadow-boxing we get ourselves into when things are unclear and bewildering. Essentially, our boundaries take care of us. Being able to clearly and without guilt assert our boundaries can drastically lower our stress levels.
A word about guilt in this situation. We desperately need a new word in the English language. For example, let’s say my mother really, really wants me to attend a family reunion. Something happened and communication faltered somewhere and I promised my kids and husband that we would go out of town that same weekend. Someone is going to be let down. There is a space/time/energy/can’t-be-two-places-at-once boundary at play here. Ugh, but I. Feel. So. Guilty. “Guilty” is the word commonly used in this situation. I haven’t done anything wrong. I have not done something for which guilt is appropriate. The word we need is more about the feeling we get when we disappoint someone because we we are constrained by a personal boundary. In this case, I want to follow through on what I promised my kids and I need to let my mom down. If I am afraid to tell my mom (or friend, sister, co-worker, etc) because I feel guilty and am confused about and unskilled at communicating boundaries, it leaves so much room for confusion and stress. If I’m avoiding the situation, my mom will start wondering why I won’t answer her calls, let her know when I’m coming, or tell her if I’ll bring the broccoli salad. She will start to get irritated. I’ll get irritated too: “Doesn’t she know I’m busy and overwhelmed?” No, actually, she isn’t thinking about that. She can’t read my mind, and I’m being sketchy because I’m avoiding feeling guilty and letting her down. Instead, I could offer her empathy and sit in the discomfort of disappointing her. I could let her know my boundary. Accepting that boundaries are a normal and natural part of life relieves us ~ not of our obligation to communicate early and often, but of feeling guilty and confused and bewildered by our own boundaries and others’.
Some thoughts about how to increase your skillfulness around sensing and communicating your boundaries clearly:
Seek your truth so you can speak your truth: Check in with yourself, get a sense moment to moment of what is okay with you and what’s not okay. What does your inner compass say? Yes? No? Remember, many (not all) boundaries are fluid and flexible. Sometimes we need to live our way into answers about our boundaries ~ it is important to continue to ask ourselves what is alive for us in the moment as we are figuring out our boundaries. Ask for time if you need it as you are figuring out what works for you and what doesn’t. Dare to ask yourself, “What do I truly want to do in this situation?”
Assume that the other person is doing the best they can. They most likely have a low awareness of your boundaries and other constraints on your energy and time. Remind yourself that boundaries are a natural and normal part of life and you, too, are doing the best you can. Remember we need a new word ~ it is normal and okay for our boundaries to disappoint others sometimes. We can offer empathy for this without resentment, guilt, or beating ourselves up.
Try your best to separate the boundary from your feelings about it. This can be a little tricky to understand. An emotion, particularly a strong, negative emotion is often a signal, a flare, that a boundary needs to be stated and maintained. Take care of your feelings separately from maintaining and communicating about your boundary. They are two separate things. Accept the fact that in our society humans are pretty confused about boundaries in general, violations will happen, and clear, consistent reminders may be necessary.
Kindly but firmly state your boundaries. Repeat as necessary.
Please keep in mind that this article focused on addressing boundaries between people on the level of preferences and negotiating things like time, energy, and other finite resources that are a part of everyday living - NOT on instances that are abusive or toxic. Boundary violations that are harmful or hurtful need to be dealt with far more strongly to ensure safety. Please reach out if you are experiencing more complex and toxic boundary violations. Your safety is essential.
Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC has been a psychotherapist for over 18 years. She specializes in helping highly sensitive people thrive in love, work, and parenting highly sensitive children. Jen is passionate about using mindfulness and compassion-based approaches to ameliorate human suffering. She can be reached at email@example.com or 215-292-5056. Learn more at www.heartfulnessconsulting.com.